Tonight it really hit me how I do need to take care of myself. Mondays tend to be my crazy days, but I guess I usually keep going. But today, damn it, today. My life feels so crazy right now. I feel sometimes (read: most times), people just take me as a given almost. That I'll be there, that I'll step up, that I'll send email, make posters, go to meetings, handle shit from admin, be mommy. I feel like I do my work, bits and parts and even the entire job of other people and damn. It really. Starts. To. Add. Up. I didn't get the fellowship I wanted. My mom's in the hospital. I have papers to write. My mom's in the fucking hospital. They are cleaning my apartment's carpet so I have to make sure everything is off the ground? My mom isn't well, and it scares me every minute. My family is everything to me, and it's just so damn hard. I can't even write anything, you know? I blew up at Jesse tonight. Sorry. You are me here and I am so sorry that I can't always be strong enough. Sometimes though, everything is a bit too much for one person to handle. I'm this big fat mess on her period. I'm trying and giving everything I've got. So I guess this is just me asking people to step up. I just wish I didn't feel bad asking people to do stuff. I don't know, worthless bitching I guess.
Anyways. Here is my bike! Not the bike I had before, baby mama drama rama behind me now..
It makes me happy! One of the few things. I need to start eating well again. Cooking. Reading. Watching bad TV with room mates. Listening to music that's soul purpose is not just to calm me down. Riding my bike with Ry Ro and co. Having space in my schedule that is labeled dinner with friends. Having space in my planner that isn't labeled as all. Damn. I'm just listing things I want and not thinking achievement! Okay. Good. Alright.
