Soooo I feel kind of bad because I really have signed out of pretty much everything sans APSA. I applied for a job at a store today, and had to send in pictures of myself! Horrible! Whatever though. I do need a job away from what I think is my reality.

I feel very awkward in my current living situation. I am not sure where or when communication and positivity disappeared, but it has just become strained relationships under one roof. I don't feel too bad, I know that I am leaving soon, but this kind of negativity makes me anxious to leave for anything and creates anxiety at the thought of returning "home".

Lately I've allowed negativity to bleed into my personal life. But a weekend home with family make me remember that living with people doesn't have to be drama, but it can be warm and loving. Sma and I talked everything through and through. He is a good person and an ace bf. I'm telling you.

This is just a minor thing that I will quickly write about before spending 20 minutes on an essay and biking off to the AFSME meeting:

For one summer session, they only allow you to take 10 units in total. Five weeks, ten unites. While I understand why they would put a cap (so that students can actually pass), I find it pretty fucking ridic that there is one! Units are so expensive!!! But there is a note that the UC is encouraging people to take summer sessions because they will only charge you for 8 units.

NEWFLASH. It does matter how many units you take! UC's don't charge you by units! Community colleges do! I should be allowed to take a bazillion units if I want to and can prove that I can do it. I want to take 12 units. I'm going to see my counselor tomorrow morning. Thank GOD she loves me.

Summer session 2. H8 Irvine. Sort of. KAY!



MEANS NOTHING! GR8 SONG.

So these past few days have been way better. I think that there is an energy that comes from the razzle dazzle of campaigns and crazy referendums. I appreciate how people can out when there is real tangible work with results that seem quite possible. I'm just thankful for amazing friends and family from different campus and at UCI that are stepping up now.

I've been focusing on friendships outside of work. Or what I consider work. My work. I think it's really good to heal outside, and have these outside perspectives. But I think often I'm too tired to say much. In a good way. It helps me be a better listener, and that something I've always tried to work on.

It's hard when I see people in relations that mirror what I had before. I don't want to be bossy, deny people experience that are validly theirs, but I don't like to see this repetition of sadness. I don't like people being lonely.

I think that I feel sad when I notice that I am alone. But I am not really alone. I don't think that I am leave behind able. You know?

I love the way things have been going. Granted, it's only Tuesday night, but if these good vibes can keep going until the end of the year, I'll be happy. Or happier. Happy.

I've been really just feeling instead of thinking lately. It's about positive energy and good auras instead of calculated conversations that leave more out that in. It's this inclusive love thing. I don't know. I've been spitting some stupid ass shit in these past few days, but I've been feeling it. Okay!

I'm just good. Good.. Good.

Thank you.

It's not as hidden as it was last quarter. Everyone knows that I am burned out. And I think that sucks. It's not that everyone can see me tired, I'd rather have it that way so people will stop loading things into my planner, but that I am tired.

This quarter, I am really going to focus on taking care of myself. I feel like I say it every quarter, but maybe this time I will really be able to stick to my promise.

I think was makes things the most difficult is wondering whether after I get myself back to me (it sounds funny), if I will be jaded and resistant to taking action, knowing that I burn out. To be honest, I didn't think I would. September of this year, I thought that I could do everything. But school, relationships, family. It all takes it toll on one person. I'm only taking 13 units this quarter, a stark comparison to my 24 units in the fall. I have less meetings, more events, fewer readings, but more anxiety. I started this quarter in a panic.

It's hard to know what you believe in when people are trying to force you to believe in the world. I feel like I don't really know anything. I just know middle pictures. Like, I can't see the bigger picture. And I definitely do not know the details.

I have plans. Instead of being so open, I've learned to keep things to myself. Next year will be different, and I'll grow in different ways. Don't get me wrong, this year has made me grow. I've learned a lot, but nothing real. Or at least I feel like that sometimes. I don't know. I don't want to go into complete self analysis mode right now, it's annoying.

So it's like ghosts of last year are freaking me out now. After learning that DiPhung is going to talk to Alex, I have like, waves of mixed emotions. I feel like I deserted him. I feel like I ran away, into the arms of the most amazing person, but I left him for dead.