It's not as hidden as it was last quarter. Everyone knows that I am burned out. And I think that sucks. It's not that everyone can see me tired, I'd rather have it that way so people will stop loading things into my planner, but that I am tired.

This quarter, I am really going to focus on taking care of myself. I feel like I say it every quarter, but maybe this time I will really be able to stick to my promise.

I think was makes things the most difficult is wondering whether after I get myself back to me (it sounds funny), if I will be jaded and resistant to taking action, knowing that I burn out. To be honest, I didn't think I would. September of this year, I thought that I could do everything. But school, relationships, family. It all takes it toll on one person. I'm only taking 13 units this quarter, a stark comparison to my 24 units in the fall. I have less meetings, more events, fewer readings, but more anxiety. I started this quarter in a panic.

It's hard to know what you believe in when people are trying to force you to believe in the world. I feel like I don't really know anything. I just know middle pictures. Like, I can't see the bigger picture. And I definitely do not know the details.

I have plans. Instead of being so open, I've learned to keep things to myself. Next year will be different, and I'll grow in different ways. Don't get me wrong, this year has made me grow. I've learned a lot, but nothing real. Or at least I feel like that sometimes. I don't know. I don't want to go into complete self analysis mode right now, it's annoying.

So it's like ghosts of last year are freaking me out now. After learning that DiPhung is going to talk to Alex, I have like, waves of mixed emotions. I feel like I deserted him. I feel like I ran away, into the arms of the most amazing person, but I left him for dead.